It's a Wonderful Carrot: a Sorcerer Hunters' Christmas
Before I start, I just wanna dedicate this Christmas fic to the Godfather of Soul, The Hardest Working Man in Showbiz, and Soul Brother #1, James Brown (1933-2006) He died this Christmas Day at the age of 73 after a career that has spanned 50 years. He is truly one of the greats of American pop music and will surely be missed. God Bless ya, James.
(We begin our Yuletide tale at the Stella Church on Christmas Eve, where Big Mama and the 5 Sorcerer Hunters: the Glace Brothers (Carrot & Marron), Gateau Mocha, and the Misu Sisters (Tira & Chocolate), get ready for Christmas time by decorating the Christmas tree)
Big Mama: I'm so glad to have you all here to celebrate Christmas with me.
Gateau: We couldn't be happier Big Mama. Even though a lot has happened to us, we still love Christmas.
Tira: I know. But you know, I wish Mom and Dad Glace were here.
Chocolate: I know Tira, but look at tit this way, Dad Glace is still here and also we got Big Mama, Gateau, Marron, and my darling Carrot. By the way, dontcha like my new dress?
(Chocolate was dressed as a very sexy Santa complete with black, stiletto boots, a red, low-cut dress, and a Santa cap with mistletoe on top of it)
Marron: It looks great on you Chocolate, but why and more importantly, who are you wearing it for?
Gateau: Isn't it obvious? Besides Marron, I wouldn't mind seeing you in a sexy Santa dress.
Marron: You're making me sick Gateau.
Tira: Hey Mama, where's our Santa?
Mama: He should be out here now. Carr… Santa, come on out.
(Santa comes out but he looks skinnier than he usually does. It's none other than Carrot)
Carrot: I can't believe y'all made me Santa.
Gateau: Yeah. All that's missing is a few 100 pounds and you'd be in business Carrot.
Marron: He's right brother.
Carrot: Ha ha very funny guys.
Chocolate: Yeah lay off him, you two. Besides, I like a slender Santa for Christmas.
Carrot: (uneasy) Thanks Chocolate and you make a good Mrs. Claus yourself.
Chocolate: (ecstatic) Oh darling! Thanks so much! And as a little reward, see what's on top of my little hat?
Carrot: Oh yeah, that's mistletoe. MISTLETOE?!
Chocolate: Darling, pucker up (puckers up)
Carrot: Hey Mama, gimme the money to pick up everyone's gifts.
Chocolate: Oh poo.
Tira: (in her mind) why didn't I think of the mistletoe?
Carrot: I'll see you guys later. (A la Santa) Ho, ho, ho!
Gateau: Hey Marron, betcha $20 Carrot spends all the Christmas money on strippers.
Marron: It's likely so you're on.
Tira: C'mon you two. Have faith in Carrot. I know he'll do the right thing. Besides, it's Christmas. I hope Carrot gets something nice for me.
Chocolate: Tira's right. Have faith in Darling. Besides, if he does blow all that money away on other girls, he'll have to answer to me and Tira.
(When Carrot went out, as expected, he went to strip joints first. He started out with spending a little cash on lap dances, tip-drills, and just about every dance fantasy that was available. But before he knew it, he blew all the Christmas money Big Mama gave him to buy everyone's gifts. Out of money, Carrot was tossed out of the joints and was absolutely dejected)
Carrot: Aw man, I can't believe it. I blew all the dough Mama gave me. Everything I do I screw up. Whether it is in battle or life, I always screw up. Damn. I…I wish I was never born.
Voice: Hey…hey kid; what's up?
Carrot: (Frightened) Who dat?! Come outta there! I gotta sword and this time, I ain't afraid to use it!
(Suddenly, a dark-skinned figure wearing white materialized before Carrot's eyes. It was an angel who bore an uncanny resemblance to Shawn Wayans. His name was D'Angelo)
Carrot: Hey, you're Shawn Wayans. Man I loved ya in the Wayans Bros.
D'Angelo: Not exactly fool. My name's D'Angelo and I'm your guardian angel.
Carrot: You ain't an angel. Angels are WHITE.
D'Angelo: (laughing) See that's what the MAN wants you to think.
Carrot: Oh…Enlightenment. But that still don't explain why you here.
D'Angelo: Man you don't watch a lot of movies do ya? You said you wish you were never born? Well I'm gonna show you what life would be like for your loved ones if you Carrot Glace, were never born.
(D'Angelo scratches his braided hair and shows Carrot life without him. Meanwhile, back at the Stella Church, Big Mama and the other Sorcerer Hunters wonder what's holding up Carrot)
Tira: Carrot, please be OK.
Gateau: Hey Marron, I think you owe me $20 bucks.
Marron: Hold on a minute Gateau, Carrot hasn't come back yet.
Gateau: Yeah but what did I tell ya, he blew the cash on babes.
Tira: Leave him alone you two. I'm sure Carrot has a good reason he's so long.
Chocolate: My darling's not home yet?
Gateau: No Chocolate and you know why?
Gateau: He's blowing the Christmas cash on hookers!
Chocolate: You take that back Gateau! Darling would never do something that stupid during a time like Christmas.
Big Mama: Gateau, stop it. Have a little more faith in Carrot.
Gateau: Sorry Mama. I was just being real.
(Meanwhile, D'Angelo showed Carrot life sans him. The 1st sight was Gateau. Normally, Gateau is the muscle of the Sorcerer Hunters, but life without Carrot, Gateau Mocha looked a little different)
Carrot: Holy crap. What happened to Gateau? When did that 6-pack turn into a keg?
D'Angelo: Well you might've not known this, kid, but, Gateau always viewed you as like a little brother and that's another reason he trained so hard. Without you, he never got over seeing his family being burned by Zaha Torte. Without you and the others, he never found the courage to fight back. Now he just drowns his sorrows at the bars.
Gateau: Yo barkeep, gimme another brew.
Barkeep: Buddy, I think you've had enough.
Gateau: I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I HAD ENOUGH! My folks were burnt to a fuckin' crisp by damn sorcerers and I have to take care of my sister by myself!
Éclair: Bro, leave 'em alone. You're too drunk.
Gateau: (crying) I'm sorry sis. I'm so sorry. (Sobbing)
Carrot: I guess my life meant something to Gateau after all.
D'Angelo: And guess what kid, it only gets worse. You don't wanna know what's happened to your little brother.
Carrot: Marron, he can't be that bad.
D'Angelo: Don't think so? Come with me junior. (Scratches his hair)
Carrot: You know you could use some Head & Shoulders.
(D'Angelo shows Carrot what Marron was like without his big brother)
Carrot: Hey Marron. C'mon out baby bro.
D'Angelo: Hey stupid, Marron can't hear you and look real hard and close.
(Marron comes out dressed in all black and wearing dark makeup on his usually pale complexion. Marron was now a Goth kid)
Carrot: Marron, you're a Goth kid? Oh my God that's horrible.
D'Angelo: You ain't seen the half of it.
Marron: My life sucks. All my life has been was just pain. Life in general is pain and suffering. (Cuts himself)
Carrot: Oh my God it is horrible!
D'Angelo: You see Carrot; you always protected Marron from other kids that bullied him because of his looks and because of that, he practiced magic and counterspells to protect you later in life. Without you, he feels he has no reason to live. He turned to the Goth lifestyle and now cuts himself whenever he's depressed and/or when he just got bullied.
Carrot: Doesn't he know he's gonna kill himself one day?
D'Angelo: He don't care Carrot. To Marron, death is the only way out of this pain he calls life.
Carrot: I can't believe it. My poor baby brother's a Goth and cutting himself like a kosher deli. All this is happenin' because I wasn't born.
D'Angelo: It ain't over. You gotta see what's become of Tira and Chocolate.
Carrot: What's become of them?
D'Angelo: You don't wanna know. (Scratches his hair)
(D'Angelo takes Carrot to a nearby street corner. There, he sees Tira and Chocolate dressed in skimpy yet sexy clothes. He also notices that they're being abused by a flamboyantly dressed pimp. This pimp was none other than A Pimp Named Slickback)
Carrot: Oh my God! Is that…
D'Angelo: Yup. That's Tira and Chocolate.
Carrot: Who's the pimp?
D'Angelo: That's A Pimp Named Slickback.
Carrot: Why are they working for him and letting him push 'em around like that? Why aren't they pulling out the leather and shit and whoopin' his ass?
D'Angelo: That's cuz they ain't got no reason. You see Carrot, because of you; they found a reason to fight. And do you know what that reason was?
Carrot: To beat the living shit outta me?
D'Angelo: No stupid. It's a very simple reason; Love. Carrot, as you know, Tira & Chocolate didn't know who their real parents were and also because Zaha Torte abandoned them when they were little. But, your folks picked them up and met you and because of you; they now know what it's like to love a man not just in the paternal sense but in the romantic sense. Because you didn't exist, they still looking for that love from a man.
A Pimp Named Slickback: What did I tell you bitches what was goin' to happen if you did not provide my financial goals?
Chocolate: Please Slickback…
APNS: It's A Pimp Named Slickback bitch! Remember that!
Tira: Listen, it's Christmas Eve. We need some time off.
APNS: In the world of pimps and hoes, there is NO time off! You still gotta give these muthafuckas some Christmas cheer if ya know what I mean.
Chocolate: (Sobbing) But we need that time to be with our family.
APNS: Look here Chocolate; I am the ONLY family you and yo' baby sister have got in this world. Now get to hoin' before I whoop y'all both like losin' horses!
Carrot: I'd never thought I'd see the girls get whipped. (Starts tearing up) D'Angelo, brotha I now know how much I mean to my people.
D'Angelo: I'm glad you finally got that through yo' head kid. Now are you ready to return to real life?
Carrot: You damn skippy. (Clicks his heels) I wish I was home. (Clicks his heels again) I wish I was home. (Clicks his heels one more time) I wish I was home.
D'Angelo: (Slaps Carrot upside the head) Fool, this ain't the Wizard of Oz. (Scratches his hair and in an instant, Carrot's back to where he began)
Carrot: What's this? I'm back. I'm back! Hey D'Angelo, thanks for bringing me back man!
(Carrot looks around for D'Angelo but can't find him. Instead, he sees 4 gifts; one for Marron, another for Gateau, another for Tira, and another for Chocolate. Carrot also finds a note saying: "A little somethin' somethin' to help you out." The note was from none other than D'Angelo)
Carrot: Holy crap. How did he do all this? He really IS an angel. (Looks at his watch) Man I gotta get back.
(Back at the Stella Church, Big Mama and the other 4 Sorcerer Hunters still waited for Carrot to get back)
Tira: He still hasn't got back home. Oh Carrot, please make it back for me.
Chocolate: Make it back for me too, darling. It wouldn't be Christmas without you.
Marron: Have faith in my brother girls. He'll show up.
Gateau: Yeah with a whole bunch of strippers.
Tira: If that happens, he'll get more than a lump of coal this Christmas.
Chocolate: Darling, you'd better not be cheating on us; especially on me.
Big Mama: Oh I don't think that'll be the case everybody because look…
Carrot: Hey everyone. Merry Christmas!
Chocolate: Darling! You're back!
Big Mama: Good to have you back my child.
Carrot: I've been doing some soul searching. By the way, it's Christmastime! So here are everyone's gifts. Gateau, this is yours.
Gateau: (Opens his gift) Carrot, you got me "The Best of Mr. Olympia"! Now I can watch the greats like Arnold, Ferrigno, Flex, Cutler, and Ronnie and learn their secrets to maintain this great physique of mine. Carrot, you shouldn't have. Thanks little buddy.
Carrot: Next for my dear baby brother Marron, I believe this is yours.
Marron: (Opens his gift) Brother, this is…
Carrot: That's right. I got you none other than the legendary sword Excalibur. I figured because you're a swordsman, you'd like it.
Marron: Like it? Brother, I LOVE it! I can't thank you enough, brother.
Carrot: Tira, I know you're gonna freak when you open this.
Tira: (Opens her gift) You got me jungle bondage kit? (Blushes) Carrot…
Carrot: Yeah Tira?
Tira: This is certainly kinky. I love it! I especially can't wait to use it on you, Carrot.
Carrot: (Uneasy) Okay Tira. Now, Chocolate, this is yours.
Chocolate: (Opens her gift) Darling, it's a dungeon bondage kit! I love you so much darling and I too can't wait to use it on you. (Giggles)
Carrot: O… Okay Chocolate; you're kinda freakin' me out a bit, but Merry Christmas. Oh Mama, I'm sorry that I didn't get you or Dotta anything for Christmas.
Dotta: It's ok, Carrot. I'm just glad you're back.
Big Mama: Dotta's right, Carrot. We're just glad you're alive and kicking.
Carrot: (To himself) Thanks D'Angelo, for everything
Chocolate: Darling, I've got a little present for you. Look up at my hat.
Carrot: Uh… Chocolate, that's mistletoe.
Chocolate: That's right darling. Now get ready for your gift.
Tira: Chocolate! Carrot's mine this Christmas!
Chocolate: Calm down Tira; after all, Christmas is about giving. Now darling, why don't gimmie a little sugar?
Carrot: I'm going now. Gotta do more soul searching. (Runs like Hell)
Chocolate: Come back, darling! All I really want for Christmas is you!
Tira: Chocolate, come back here this instant!
Marron: Even at Christmas they can't be sane.
Gateau: You can say that again.
Chocolate: Darling, I'll be your Sugar Plum Fairy! Come take me!
Carrot: (In his mind) D'Angelo, where are you?!
The End: Merry Christmas!